May 10th - Having an Identity In Christ + Having faith in parenthood struggles

She started crying, picking apart herself, and saying all the things she hated about herself out loud. Why didn't my child feel worthy? How could I fix it? I immediately walked into the bathroom and gasped in a very loud obnoxious humorous type of way. I said, "GASP, How dare you speak of your precious little face like this! Your freckles were hand painted on by God!" I then started touching each one and then I kissed her nose, and this nose ! The cutest little button nose, oh it is my favorite." Her tears then turned to that infectious little giggle I love so much. She said, "But Mom, I'm going to be made fun of." I asked her how on earth someone could make fun of her, and why they would? I validated her and showed her although I didn't understand, I was here. I then felt the spirit move me to get to the root. Where did this insecurity come from and how as her Mother could I guide her and help her through it. I thought back to when I was a little girl picking apart myself in the mirror. As a twenty nine year old woman, I now have the answer, but my little nine year old self was never given the tools. I didn't have the example in front of me either. So yet again another one of Gods biggest blessings in finding the Church, I know the answer now and that is having an identity in Christ. Growing up, and well let's face it even well into our adult years we care just way too much what people will think. So before she made her way to school I told her, I prayed with her and over her and then told her. "Listen Baby, not everyone in this world is going to like you or have something nice to say. As we've learned, what people do and say about us says more about them than it does about us. You are going to be misunderstood and people always seem to love to judge the things they don't understand and that's ok. That's their agency, they can do/say whatever they want, but that doesn't change you. That doesn't mean you stop being YOU and the woman God has called you to be." I told her she is beautiful, worthy, and so loved. Something I aim to do daily is speak nothing but love and life into my daughter. Every morning I tell her she looks beautiful, when she accomplishes something I tell her how proud I am of her, and when she makes mistakes I tell her it's ok and that that's how we learn. Words are so powerful, so speak life and love into your children. Pray over them before they start the day and over them as they sleep. It's like an extra padding of protection agains the enemy.

She said to me with tear filled eyes, "but what if they don't like me? What if they leave me?" Pain and anger came over me. Towards myself and for others who made my baby girl question her worth and value. However, seventy times seven. "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, "I tell you not just seven times, but seventy seven times." This past year I have truly learned what forgiveness means and how it is what I am commanded to do. The second my flesh comes in and I demand to be "heard and seen," I remember my identity is in Christ and it doesn't matter what people think. It doesn't matter if I am heard or seen. All that matters is how my Heavenly Father see's me. I am living according to his will, am I a covenant keeper like he says I will be? If he came to me right now, would I feel pure, modest, humble, and worthy enough to be in front of him? 

As my daughter wiped her tears and I told her about how I once was nine years old feeling all the things she was feelings, she said to me, "But Mom, how do I do it? I said to her, "It's a daily battle stoog, and it doesn't end after nine years old.  I promise you though, you focus on how you are viewed in God's eyes and that's all that matters. Be such an example of Christ to others, that through you others will know him. Be so strong in knowing your identity is in Christ and that is what will make you stand out. Be confident and bold in Jesus, baby. The right people will find you and never leave you. I will never leave you.

We all have things that make us different. We won't always be everyone's cup of tea and we will leave imprints both good and bad. I promise you though as your identity becomes more in Christ and less of what you think the world wants, life simplifies. If I could go and visit my little nine year old self, oh man.. The things I would tell her. First, I'd hold her close and tell her she is so so loved. I'd tell her all about Jesus and how one day she was going to look into the mirror and love who was staring back at her. I'd tell her despite how unloved and how unwanted life is making her feel, it's all a lie from the enemy. That she was going to be such a valiant daughter of God and truly change some lives..  I'd tell her that despite people making her feel like she didn't a voice, she didn't need to be so bold or sharp as a defense mechanism. I'd tell her when she is in her spirit of meekness, that is when she shines the most. I would tell her she would have a little girl of her own one day and that she looked up to her. There is so much I would tell my little nine year self, but God blessed with an opportunity even greater than going back In time. He blessed me with a little nine year old. Who's bold, witty, goofy, and assertive in all the ways I used to be. To teach her, and show her that her identity is and will always be in Christ and Christ alone. This world will try to beat her down and sadly there are things even a mother cannot stop from happening. I will do my best though and continue to show that little nine year old who will one day be a little twenty nine year old how loved, valued, and seen she is. Hearing this, I sound like the most amazing Mom, huh? Well, as I say this, please know it's because the Lord had to humble me in ways that truly broke me. Unfortunately twenty six year old Jaeden, twenty seven, and even twenty eight was lost. My own unhealed childhood wounds poured into my child at times, and that is where I have deep regret. However, I have heavily repented and prayed for God's mercy and forgiveness. He forgives me, as he forgives you. Parenthood is no easy walk in the park. 

I will end It with this. My identity is truly in my savior Jesus Christ, and I have never been more secure or in love with the woman I am than I am today. I am still learning, growing, learning and unlearning things, but this time it's different. I live life knowing tomorrow is not promised and the mark I leave on this world when I am called home one day, I want to be a good one. So, I choose to be a peacemaker. I choose love each. I choose the principle, discipline, and guidelines the Lord has set for my life. I choose to be in the spirit of meekness everyday. The bold, fierce, strong, and dominant Jaeden was really just that little nine year old girl staring back herself crying in her mirror thinking she wasn't worth anything. Thinking she had to be loud and bold to ever be heard and seen. So to the little nine year old girl within you that I'm speaking to and or boy, know you are loved, seen, and valued. Have your identity so set in being in Christ and I promise you, you will find the peace you have been searching for. I speak that boldly ;) in faith. Thank you for being here. Thank you for taking the time to read this. The lord put it on my heart to do what I love most. So thank you being in the place I love most aka getting lost in words.