Learning and loving every version

My inner child was always so scared and desperately seeking safety. All while my inner teenager was angry and demanding justice. Then there was my current self who was tired and hopelessly seeking peace. So many versions of myself tried to surface in seeking healing and change. Can you relate?

Some days my inner child took over and fear overcame me. I did all I could to change the outcome of situations because I was terrified of abandonment. I was terrified of not being loved or nurtured. So my inner child took over, I became a little girl all over again, because I was just so scared. Truly petrified of finding myself at another park alone at midnight in nothing but a tank top and my Paul frank pajama shorts.. Cold,  scared and alone, not knowing if anyone loved me. If I was only brought on earth for one purpose only. To forever be at the hands of people who wanted to hurt me

Then there were days when my inner rebellious full of anger teenager came out. The girl who had zero example to turn to, discipline to learn from, and genuine guidance to call out to. Who was ignored, pushed to the side, screaming out for help, and watching people pass by time and time again, but to never stay or help. To never truly hear or listen. That teenager came out and was angry, volatile, and demanded to be heard/seen. She didn’t care how sharp her words were, who she pushed away, because after all "no one ever cared about her," to begin with, that's what she convinced herself anyways. She didn't care if she was like a raging lighting thunder storm, at least people would remember her when she decided to call up God and tell her she was coming home early. She needed to leave her mark, and it didn’t matter in what way.  Thunder was loud and bold and always went out with a bang, so why not do it also?

Then there was her current self, learning and unlearning from each version. Trying to find peace in the chaos she created, wanting to change her ways, and truly seek God in all she did. All she wanted more than anything was to break free from the generational curses that plagued her. She no longer found comfort in the walls of chaos, because she found peace in routine, structure, and discipline. The only mark she wanted to leave on this planet was a good one. She didn’t want to be thunder, she wanted to be the wind, or the warmth kissing your cheek on a warm summers day, She no longer was fearful, because her Faith was bigger. She no longer cared to be seen or heard by others. Her truest intent was to live in the ways Jesus wanted her to and who she was to him. That rebellious teenager was humbled into a woman who just wants peace in every day of her life. She truly has the sweetest spirit of meekness, and she chooses love in every situation. She is quicker to forgive than anger.

These are all the versions of me, and guess what? I love every single one. They have made me into the woman I am today. I still get scared, but my Faith is bigger. I still am bold, but it’s no longer in an aggressive way. It’s bold in sharing my testimony, the way I love Jesus, and in all the ways I humble myself daily. I love all the versions of me because it’s who God made me to be. Wanna know the best part? Jesus feels the same way about you. Each version of you, he loves.

If you met me while I was in any of these versions, besides the one I am today, I’m sorry. I didn’t have it quite figured out. I blamed everyone but myself, threw pieces of glass from the mirror rather than looking in it. I’m most sorry for those who were around for my teenager version. I pushed many people away in this season and my mark was always sharp like lightening and bold like thunder. Just like a storm though, I’ve passed. My hope is for opportunity to be forgiven completely so like the sun I can kiss your cheek on a warm summers day.
This version of me is the best one, and it’s truly all because of my Heavenly Father. I was the stubborn little sheep, but he finally found me. 

So with that being said if you don’t know this version of me, I won’t blow the surprise, but she’s something special because she doesn’t just talk about Jesus, she lives and loves like him.