In life we will experience many, “unknowns.” It’s truly engrained in our DNA to go into panic mode when things are out of place and or are way off of your regular routine.
I used to be someone that allowed my fear to completely overpower my faith. If something was placed in front of me that was a threat, I would immediately panic. If I sensed any form of abandonment coming, I resorted back to feeling like a little girl. The unknown or major change truly riddled me with anxiety and fear.
However throughout the last almost two years I have truly gained such a deep understanding of the scripture, “Walk by faith not by sight.” I’ve learned that even walking by faith things aren’t going to go the way I want them to, but in that I’ve also learned that Heavenly Father can use everything and turn it for our good. I have true testimony of this. After going through a truly life changing/heart shattering year I struggled immensely with my mental health. I truly had no desire to live and if it weren’t for my daughter I probably wouldn’t be here.
She is the reason I kept going, but let me tell ya. There is nothing harder than having to keep going when all you want to do is fall apart. Healing from loss, but then having to hold your sobbing child who is also going through heavy loss Is not a pain I wish on anyone. Those moments of holding her and trying to form answers to her questions made the fear in my mind so loud. I forgot to listen to that still soft voice.. Which was faith. Faith was telling me, once you get past this hurt, there is something so beautiful waiting for you both on the other side. Once you forgive, the poison in your bodies will leave. My daughter truly has the most beautiful soul I have ever seen. In her anger and hurt, she still found reasons to pray. She still pushed past this and did not let this situation define her faith and or beliefs. She still goes to primary and is ecstatically preparing for her baptism.
As the end of 2022 drew nearer,I felt like that was it for me. I would never feel beautiful, loved, or valued ever again in my life. My fear spoke to me so loudly. It told me, me and my daughter are nothing but scraps from a fridge.. easily disposed. However I know this is the furthest thing from the truth. Heavenly Father has shown me my value and worth is in Him and my savior Jesus Christ. My identity is in Him, therefore my value is beyond measure. A few weeks after my divorce finalized I was involved in a car accident, my apartment flooded, I lost my job, and my daughter experienced more hurt/anger in this season than any. Talk about the domino effect of life's crap, huh?
I remember one day praying on my living room floor just weeping. I was so angry, so confused, and just laid there for hours sobbing. I remember praying to God, “please I can’t take anymore. I am broken. I have nothing left to give.” He then said, well showed me very clearly my fear was overpowering my faith. I felt a sense of strength came over me and sat up on my knees and prayed with intent. I said to him, "I want my faith to be bigger, please remove this anxiety from me. I don't know where to even start."
It wasn’t instant, but I woke every single day and before I started my day I commanded that the spirit of anxiety would leave my body. I demanded it out. I started truly walking by faith. I remembered His promise that if I put my faith in Him, he would restore and give me double of what I “lost,” and let me tell you He did exactly this. My apartment returned to its non puddled form, my vehicle totaled but by his grace and instruction I purchased a beautiful new truck, He gave me the exact job position I asked for, and He showed me his true intent for things and that HE is the God of restoration. Also, it Is on His timing and I need to be patient. Things only started to change when I surrendered it to Him and started walking by faith and not by sight.
So, whatever is in front of you that has you worried/fearful, understand that is not of God. We do not serve the God of fear. We serve the God of hope and restoration. That is why I am not fearing my current situation, because I know and have testimony that my Heavenly Father protects and loves me and my daughter. I know wherever we end up He will turn for good, and we will have His spirit with us. Sometimes it’s hard to believe certain things will ever happen if you have so many people in your ear. Like I’ve said in my other blogs, people may mean well, but I’m telling you.. If their council justifies wrong behavior, enables you, and or just agrees with you, thats not what you want. You need people who are going to point you back to Jesus. Point you to Gods word and help you live it. Having faith is believing in the miracles and or the “that could never happen.” The "IMPOSSIBLES."
I have faith in some pretty, “unbelievable,” things right now. People could look at it and easily go, “you’re out of your mind, that would never happen.” “It’s hopeless/impossible,” but guess what? Heavenly Father has shown me very specific things and each time I pray for clear discernment and understanding in what I’m seeing/hearing, he confirms it. Very clearly. So I choose to walk by Faith, by His grace, and believe that faith as small as a mustard seed can move fountains. He has me water this garden of mine everyday and even if my sunflowers fall on blind eyes, I can still see them blooming. I choose to walk by faith and not by sight, for those sunflowers.. He showed me how beautiful they can be and will be.
So my faith is in watering those sunflowers, despite who can see them or not.
Heavenly Father,
I thank you so much for this day and this reader. Lord, thank you for removing anything that hinders our faith and our belief in what you are capable of doing in our lives and for what is going on behind the scenes that we cannot see. Please continue to sharpen our discernment, Lord. Let our faith overpower and overcome all fear. You are the God of restoration and you will always give double. Thank you, Lord. For my health, my home, my job/means and how I come by it. Please protect our jobs Heavenly Father. Bless us to make the right decisions that keep us on the covenant path. Please bless us to have your spirit with us. Please be with our children, especially in today's world. I bind up pornography right now God. Please remove it. It is so evil and not of you. I feel so strongly for our men right now God, my brothers in Christ. It is everywhere, and I am doing my best to have fear for my future sons. I trust you. That my sons will have a Father who will keep them from it and tell them the truths/dangers of it. Please Lord, I lift up our daughters.. Bless them to be pure and know their identity is in you. Please heal the hearts of little girls who are fatherless. Show them you are their Father. Do not let them go down the wrong path and seek love in all the wrong places. Please bless our Faith to always be bigger than our fear. Protect us Lord.
I say this humbly in Jesus name,
Amen
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