Learning to trust in God's timing is not an easy overnight thing. In a world where you can have anything at your fingertips within minutes, it's too easy to become someone that expects things instantly and or even demands it. His timing, is always on time though. It's better to wait for his perfect timing for things to fall into place, rather than rush it and watch it all fall apart again.
Of all the things I've written, this is the one piece I have struggled the most with. Even getting to this sentence has taken me a good minute. Words typically find me quickly, but this one I've been stumped. A good ol game of where's Waldo aha. I guess I'm struggling because I'm still in the waiting room patiently waiting, just figuring it all out. In the world we live in we can have anything at our fingertips within minutes. Craving a certain type of food, need to itch your addiction, need an answer to a problem, etc.. It all can be given within minutes. So we've grown normal to having expectancy in all things. I've learned two very valuable concepts when it comes to time. 1) It's truly the greatest thief and 2) Heavenly Father's timing for my life, is truly the best.
Learning how to trust in His timing has been tough, but I finally got it down. I wanted certain things right away. I started working out consistently last year and got in the best shape of my life. I got into my car accident and it set me back. My first day back in the gym after my accident I couldn't squat the same weight, lift what I use to, and grew so much more tired than before. This frustrated me beyond belief. I tried pushing myself, but it only made things worse. I suffered a horrible lupus flare and felt so useless for a good two weeks. When I returned back to the gym, I was in worse shape mentally than before. I wanted so badly to be where I was before, right in that instant. I wanted to squat heavy, lift dumbbells with no issue. I realized though that it takes time and I just need to be patient.
Me and patience have never been friends. If anything she's been my greatest enemy, but what does God say to do? Love your enemies lol. The love I have for that girl now is everything. I stopped demanding things to be done on my time and just trusted God's. I surrendered full control, which also used to be a huge issue. Growing up with the upbringing I had I naturally aim to control everything, because in my mind if I can control it, no one can hurt me. However people and things aren't meant to be controlled, they're meant to be accepted and loved. I wish I knew then all that I know now. My walk with God has been anything but easy. I have failed to trust him, questioned his hand in my life and have grown so impatient in his timing. He continues to show me that his timing is best though and anything for me will always find me.
The waiting room is not a fun place to be. There is so much I desire for my life right now, but I am just trusting that Heavenly Father's plans are being delicately planned out right now. After all If I rush it, I might ruin it. I might prolong what he has in store. So yea, it hurts some days and I find myself longing for things, but I try not to focus on them. Instead of being sad, hopeless, and defeated I thank Him. I thank Him for His perfect timing. I thank Him for His word, "My plans are to prosper you, never harm you," and I trust in them completely.
I used to question, "Why did this have to happen, Heavenly Father?" to so many things in my life. Now, I just thank him. I thank him for closed doors that have lead to new ones. I thank him for removing me from places that hurt me. I thank him for judging righteously on the mouths that find my name in them and choose to speak in a way that does not honor him. I thank him for all that I have, because I have learned having the very heartbeat in my chest is enough. I have so much to be grateful for. As I sit on my couch on this early Thursday morning I look around my beautiful little homey apartment and I am filled with so much gratitude.
Because two years ago saying I had a place to call home was gone. How was I to provide and make it? How could I ever give me and my daughter a roof over our heads? I remember the day I walked out of my old apartment like it was yesterday. I couldn't bring myself to leave, I didn't want to. It hurt me so much. The day that front door closed my knees buckled. I fell to the ground and laid in fetal position on the cold concrete ground right in front of it. I was so worn out, broken, and had completely given up on life. I can't tell you how long I laid there, but as I did I was silently weeping behind the gate of my once home just asking God, "Why?" At the time all I saw was anger, hatred, pain, and resentment. I couldn't see the, "Why." However, I heard a still soft voice say to me, "Be still. Be calm. I am here and will carry you."
As I laid there it grew darker and I grew colder. I felt My loving Heavenly Father truly pick me up and carry me just like he said he would.. As I was walking, I felt like a zombie. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, and I didn't have a single thought in my head besides just ending it all and getting rid of my pain. I planned to take my life that day, no one knows it, because I had planned it so many times, but this day was different. Before I had fear of dying and what I would leave behind. For example, one night I got in my car whilst having pneumonia I took off to San Diego at like midnight. I had every intention of driving off the sunset cliffs that night. The entire drive there was a blur. I called my husband and was just so mentally checked out. He's the last voice I planned on hearing. God intervened that night, because I truly had the fear of death and what I was leaving behind. A friend of mine who I hadn't spoke to in a long time, who lived about an hour and a half away said, "Jaeden you are so loved, just come here. Your life is worth living." I drove to her and she held me as I sobbed, let me share my pain for hours, and just poured love into me. She (Caity) you were the example of Jesus I needed that night. Thank you for being there that night and the following morning. I love you.
Every time I have ever said I wanted to go, I was fighting deep down to stay. I just wanted the pain to leave and the enemy to be out of my head once and for all. I wish people knew how badly I was hurting, how much I wanted to disappear, and how much I hated myself... I wish people were kinder, because I just needed that example of Jesus right in front of me. I needed someone to see deep down, I was always there inside. The day I closed that apartment door, the thought of death no longer scared me and what I was leaving behind wasn't even a second thought. As I took each step away from my apartment I really started to plan it out. How I would do it, where I would mail my letters, and then the thought of my little girl overcame me and that's when God stepped in. I remembered my daughter, I remembered Caity's words the few nights before. The blur started to fade and I was coming to understanding
I realized, How could I ever leave my baby girl? How selfish of a woman could I be? Where will she end up? She already lost her Dad, now I'm going to make her lose her Mom? I As I took more steps to my car I realized it was my time to say goodbye to my old life, not my life in general. I drew a strength that can only come from God. I heard him say to me, "These next steps you'll take will be challenging, but I need you to trust me, Jaeden. More than you ever have in your entire life." I then drove to Newport temple. I sat in front of it for what could have easily been three - four hours. I cried enough to fill the ocean a hundred times over. However I had a peace come over me. He continued to tell me to trust him. So I did. I made a promise to myself that day, no matter how many times I fall, I will always stand back up and find a way to thank Him. I made a promise to him and myself to never let the thought of my life not being valuable to ever reach my mind ever again.
I had a temporary home because of my best friend and I am so thankful for her and her family. It was temporary and so I knew I needed to find a way to make it, a place to call my own. I started applying for jobs and looking at rooms for rent all throughout Orange County. I got nowhere. My time there was growing nearer to the end and I was really getting into panic mode. I again felt that calmness come over me, the same one I felt when I left my home. I heard, "Just Trust me." I continued to apply and one day I heard, "You need to look in Torrance." I immediately pushed the thought away. There was absolute zero way in heck I would apply there. That night I had a dream that was beyond confirmation, so I listened. I started applying in Torrance. It felt so right, but I was fighting my flesh so badly. What would people say? What would they think? How will I look? Whats the point? Are all questions that played in my head like a broken record player.
One day I came across a law firm. I felt so pulled and felt deep in my spirit I was meant to work here. I called them, got an immediate phone interview and in person interview set for the following week. So many times the enemy tried pulling me from this, but I didn't listen. I applied and got the job. Praise God, I got a job, but it's in Torrance anddddd I am in Huntington Beach. The commute is gonna kill me. I then felt and heard so clearly, "your home is here." So I felt lead to start looking for apartments nearby. My credit was shot and I had absolutely nothing to my name aha. I felt foolish, but God continued to push it on me and I listened. As I was driving through the complexes I found one that spoke to me so clearly, just like my new job. The second I walked in I knew this was home. I knew this was the place. However again the credit and no money issue played the biggest part? Well, so I thought. What came next is truly one of the biggest parts of my testimony. It edified my faith in ways I'll do my best to put into words.
YOU GOT THIS GIRL!
YOU ARE CAPABLE OF ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO !
As I toured my apartment the feeling of, "this is home," became more and more evident. When I spoke with the apartment manager I asked her what I needed to do to move in, what did I need? Your typical first month and security deposit, and a good ol shiny credit score. I knew my credit was anywhere near perfect so In my head I was like, "there's no way, God why did you even lead me here?" That same still/soft voice that said "Trust me," said "Trust me," again, however I then heard, "I'll provide the way."
In that moment I felt a force literally push me to tell my apartment manager, "okay Iet's do it." ahah. Y'all I felt like a crazy person, I had no more than six hundred dollars to my name at this point lol. So she runs my credit and goes, "Jaeden your credit is right there, but not enough to qualify you, I'm sorry we need a co signer." I told her, "I'm sorry I have no absolutely no way of getting a co - signer." I felt defeated and then began to feel silly. "I'm only here in Torrance because I'm a psycho just like they said, this wasn't God." I then heard that still soft voice say again, "Trust me, I will provide a way." In that moment all my fear left me, I knew if this was his will, it would happen.
My complex manager then said, "Jaeden let me be right back, I'm gonna make a call and see what we can do, because something in me tells me you need this." She left and I started praying like crazy. I mainly just asked that his will would be done. She then comes back in the room and says, "Ok, I talked with the owner and they said we can do it without a co - signer, but we will need TWO months of rent up front, plus a thousand dollar security deposit. After all that was said and done, this was FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
How on earth was I to come up with five thousand dollars in less than a month? Photography season was dead, I would only have one paycheck from work, and there is just no way! However, I felt again to just trust him. So I told her, "Okay I'll take it." I felt like an absolute lunatic walking out of that office, but a sudden boost of joy and confidence overcame me. If it was truly Heavenly Father's will, He would make the way. That next morning I woke up two almost twenty seven unread messages in my photography inbox from people who wanted to book me for mini's. It wouldn't at all be enough to cover, but it was a step and I trust the path he had me on.
Those next two and a half weeks were a blur. I am a family and wedding photographer and the thought of capturing weddings and families all while losing mine and going through a divorce?! I was just so defeated. Thankful because the Lord had blessed me, but so tired. Before each session I sobbed in my car, and after every session I sobbed even harder. By the tenth one, I was completely wiped out. I was sitting at the park my daughter and Husband used to go biking at and I saw a family riding together. My heart shattered. I started to grow a hatred for this park. I didn't want to shoot there anymore, but I still had so many more sessions to go. As I was sitting there praying I heard, "I've carried you this far, I will continue to do so." God blessed with me two weddings and at this point I was only short $600 to cover what was needed to move into my apartment. I had one day left to come up with it.
That night I posted like crazy about more mini sessions, no one reached out or booked. I was so panicked. I laid in bed tossing and turning and heard, "I'll provide a way, please rest." The thought of sleeping was out of the question, so I turned on some good ol Paul Cardall (favorite pianist) and fell asleep crying into my pillow. This season felt like I was hit by a freight train... I felt like a walking zombie. I was barely living, just existing, made of flesh and bones. I felt like my soul was ripped from me. Well fast forward the next day I woke up to a text message from one of my clients who had just booked me for their wedding. They said to me, "Jaeden, we know our wedding isn't for a while, but something in the both of us felt so strong about giving you your tip early. Call it God." This couple wasn't the super religious type and I was expecting to see maybe a $200 - 300 tip reflected in my account. However when I looked it was $700. Reading that number in my account was confirmation to me, it was God's will for me to move to Torrance. I had enough down to the penny to move in with a hundred dollars left over.
I walked into my apartment complex, handed them the cashiers check for $5,000 and had $100 left in my account. I have never felt more rich in my entire life. I worked my butt off and Heavenly Father paved the way. I did it, and I could finally give my daughter and I a place to call home. It was all ours. God's timing proved to be perfect in this, just like it always has. I was offered to move to Oregon, but felt strongly not to. I wanted to find work and a home in Orange County and the path was not made there. People judged and questioned my move, but man if they only knew. How powerful and merciful God was in making It all happen for us to be here. Don't even get me started on the people I have met! When I truly allowed myself to forgive, trust, and be patient with God's timing I started to see things for what they were. My questions to him no longer were questioning what he was doing in my life, but how I could serve him more in what he was doing and where he was leading me. His timing continues to prove me it is perfect.
See this picture right here? This is me laying on my bed in my new apartment. I was sleeping on a blow up mattress at my friends house. My back ached in ways it hadn't in a long time. I was so uncomfortable. So the day my bed was set up I laid on it and cried out the happiest tears. I looked around my box filled apartment like it was a mansion right on the coast. Home is where you make it.
Heavenly Father's timing led me here, exactly here. For a reason and for a purpose. One thing I asked him was, "Please let me use this pain for good, let me help other people." I moved into my new ward and quickly connected with many women there. Something I always seemed to struggle with at my old ward. I joined our little group on fb and started some great friendships. One day as I was reading a talk on navigating difficulties in marriage and on how to forgive your spouse, I felt let to post it in the group. I sent it with the comment, "A great read for those in need." I didn't think much of it, but God's timing sure had plans there.
I posted it and went to Mc Donalds to grab a bite to eat with my kiddo. Arriving to the call box to order and reading the menu I saw a buy one get one free Big Mac. I didn't want a Big Mac to go to waste so I almost didn't get it. Again, the spirit spoke to me and said to get it. I did, knowing the Big Mac meal would go to waste if I couldn't find a homeless person to give it to. Plus I wasn't that hungry so I couldn't eat it myself.. As I'm driving home I get a text from a random number, a sister in my ward. She messaged me saying, "I know you don't know me, I go to your ward, but I haven't been in a long time. I am going through a really hard time, and I have no one. The talk you sent was what I needed and what I had been praying for. Are you free to talk?" I responded back, "My home is yours, here's my address."
She responds back with, "I haven't had a chance to eat yet and I'm super hungry. Let me grab something and then I'll come." Tears formed in my eyes as I looked at the Mc Donalds bag sitting on my counter filled with an entire meal. I told her how I just got back from Mc Donalds and felt let to get the Big Mac meal. A warm meal was waiting for her. Anyways, she comes over and explains to me how her husband is leaving her. I had never met her, but I just held her as she sobbed. He was planning on leaving the next day and she was broken. The feeling of what I had just gone through a few months prior overcame me that night. I wanted to be there for her though so I asked for strength. The next day I showed up to her house to her husband's things packed up by the door. He was into bikes and had the same yellow and black boxes from Costco. I felt like I was experiencing it all over again. I felt a pit in my stomach, a pain in my chest, and I didn't think I could handle it. I looked over at my new friend curled up on her couch sobbing and I knew I couldn't leave. I stayed with her and ended up being there for almost twelve hours. I cleaned her entire apartment, cooked and forced her to eat meals, helped her box her things, get rid of things, and just spoke life into her all day and prayed until my throat was sore. I was everything to her that I wish I had and it was nothing of me, but entirely God.
We went to church together the following weeks and grew such a close friendship. Her Husband left and she had to move out of her apartment, but God carried her... It has been so beautiful to see. This girl and I are now best friends and she even blessed me with the title, "Auntie!" We make it a point to bear our testimony of God's faithfulness and love whenever we get the chance. We always bring up what he did that day he connected us through a good talk and a big mac meal. This sister and I found healing together in being there for one another in our brokenness. I asked that Heavenly Father would use my pain for good and allow me to serve him and he did. She is one of many women I have been able to serve and love through their season of separation. The community of woman I have met are testimony of his timing and unwavering love. These women are so strong, so bold in their faith, and some of the truest examples of faith I have seen.
So, to end it.. I know this was a long one, but man was it truly such a privilege to share. I thank my Heavenly Father daily for carrying me and leading me here. I have never been more proud or in love with the woman I have become. So although I am in the waiting room for somethings, I do so happily, patiently, and without expectation. I know that the plans He has for me and far greater than I can even imagine. I trust in His perfect timing for my life. So I openly welcome it all. Come what may and love it. In this season, in this waiting room I am growing, healing, learning and unlearning. I know what it means to be a valiant daughter of God, a loving and tender Wife, and a patient gentle Mama. I know what it means to be a true example of my Savior Jesus Christ to my brothers and sister's in Christ. I know His word and value it so deeply.
Above all, I know HIS timing will forever find me at the best time. So I will happily and patiently sit in this waiting room until I am called into the next season of my life. The next season that's coming is the one where I will be a Wife again, my womb will carry more beautiful babies, relationships will be mended, and I will have it all. He has shown me what's coming and I will continue to do my part to make it happen. Don't let me mess it up, Lord. I just want to make you proud.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you always for your timing. Thank you for teaching me and this reader patience, faith, and obedience. Thank you for sharpening us more and more each season. Thank you for your word that finds me in every season when I need it the most. Like the free will you gave Jonah. Jonah’s fear and pride cause him to run from You. He did not wish to go to Nineveh to preach repentance to the people, as you commanded, because he felt they were his enemies, and he was convinced that you will not carry out his threat to destroy the city, Lord. However a storm came and he was swallowed up in the belly of a whale who then spit him out. He then repented and went on to teach the people of your mercy! This is the truest example of free will. Lord, you gave it to him and he chose wrong, but you allowed him to make it right. Thank for this example, Lord. I thank you for teaching more and more in your word. I thank you for all the ways you have lead me and carried me. Thank you for this blog, this reader, and everyone I connect with. Please continue to bless up and sharpen us, Heavenly Father. I only seek your will over my life. I do not want it my way. I do not want to ever stray from you again. Please use me, daily. I ask and look for more ways to serve you and the be the truest example of my Savior to others.
Please continue to strengthen us, Lord. We need you. Especially in today's world. I bind up the enemy from all of us right now in Jesus name. His tactics and games no longer work. He is dust, he is nothing. Families will be restored and reconciled in Jesus name. Hearts will soften and eyes will open, in Jesus name. Wickedness of all kind will be bound up in Jesus name. Twisting of words, manipulation, lies, deceit, wrong counsel, unjust actions, fatherless/motherless homes, contention, pride, anger, lust, pornography, witchcraft, double mindedness, wrongful thinking, ungodly soul ties, etc. I bind them up and rebuke them off of this reader right now in Jesus name. As your daughter, I have the authority and my strength comes from you. Lord, please protect our families. The enemy has won long enough. The battle has already been one. The victory is yours. Bring the Prodigal's home. Loose your holy righteousness and let your word be heard and spoken. If we need humbling, Lord let us find more ways to do so daily. Please God, please use us, so we can Glorify and preach your name more. I thank you for what you've done in me as a Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, and friend. Please have your holy spirit surrounding us all of our days. Give us discernment and show us who we were called to be, what we are meant to do, where we need to forigve/reconcile, and above all when you want it all, on your time.
I say this humbly, boldly, and full of thanksgiving. In the name of our Savior and the beloved son, Jesus Christ
Amen
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